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Deep into the dark
Forrest, beyond robbers bend and cutthroat canyon, sat a lonely mountain. Fang
Mountain. At the base of mountain was an entrance to a large cave; the entrance
to this cave could only be seen during the daylight hours, for complete
darkness radiated from deep within the caves depths making it impossible to
see. There was only one creature brave enough to call this cave his home and
its red burning eyes gleamed out from the darkness; they were the last and only
thing any living creature would ever see if they stepped foot in the cave.
One day a lone
travel was lost on his journey home. The sun grew heavy in the evening sky and
night would fall soon. The man traveled had walked many miles on his long journey
and new he must find shelter soon. In the dwindling light of day he could just
barely make out the dark void coming form the side of the mountain. The
traveler, knowing this was probably his last and only chance to find shelter,
made way to the mouth of cave, inspecting it for any potential threat. He
carefully waded into the darkness feeling the walls for support.
As the traveler
strolls deeper and deeper into the cave he listens to the cracking form under
his feet, as if steeping on brittle sticks or… bone. The travel soon felt
uneasy, watched in the darkness, when he turns and notices the burning eyes
coming from the deep inside the cave.
A deep voice,
almost a growl, broke the silence of the defining blackness in the cave, “I am
the ghost of this mountain, I am the spirit of death, and you have made a
terrible mistake, for you can never leave alive”.
The Travel was
stunned… he could not speak, paralyzed with fear. “I have brought you a gift Oh Great Spirit of
the mountain, please do not kill me”
Through the
darkness the traveler heard the same low growl “proceed, then I will decide if
I am to kill you”
The traveler
knelt; quickly rummaging through his pack he found two small stones and a
torch. He quickly began hitting them together as fast as he could, sending
sparks dancing through the black
“NO!” Roared the
voice. Footsteps quickened in the darkness; pounding on the hard cave floor
straight for the traveler.
The traveler
hastened, praying for a spark to catch.
Closer and closer
the beast pounded towards him, panting heavy
He could feel the
blood in his ears, hot and steady
The pounding in
his chest faster and faster
He could feel the
beast on his back
Then, light erupted in the cave! Roars could
be heard from both the man and the beast as the walls danced with flames,
illuminating the entirety of the cave. The traveler swiveled and thrashed the
torch through the cave, blindly swinging. He made contact, setting a flame to
the monstrous wolf’s midnight fur.
The wolf Howled in
fear and pain as it bolted out of the mouth of the cave and into the cool night
air. The wolf ran and ran, a small glow slowly disappearing into the surrounding
Forrest.
The man sat in the
damp cave, breathing heavy, still in shock from the events that just took
place. He extinguished his flame, engulfed by the darkness yet again. The traveler
sat, and watched the mouth of the cave all night until the brilliant light of the
sun broke on the horizon. With the light of the day reborn again the man
gathered his things and made his way on the final leg of his journey back home.
Hey there Alex!
ReplyDeleteI think you did an excellent job on this story. My heart rate actually picked up when the wolf was charging at the traveler. You did a great job of building tension and suspense. I also really liked that there was not reward and the traveler just went on his way, as if nothing crazy happened.
Hi Alex!
ReplyDeleteWow, I loved the way you were able to incorporate dialogue while also maintain a third-person perspective. This style is something I hope to incorporate in my Storybook, so this was a great way for me to see what it looks like to do this style! There was great connection between first-person and third-person and allowed the story to flow. The image was also a really great addition, as is the layout of your website! It really gave the story that eerie feel that I imagined the story to be. However, one thought that came to mind was where this story was based off of as I am unfamiliar with the original story. Maybe including the author's note might have helped other readers also connect with what you did differently in this story compared to the original! I doubt I would like the original after reading this one! Nonetheless, I found myself on the edge of my seat reading this story in its entirety. You did a wonderful job!
Hey Alex!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great story! You really kept me on the edge of my seat. I kept thinking and wondering to myself what would happen to the Traveler. The way you were able to build up such suspense while keeping things a little erie was great! One thing I did not get was why the Traveler put out his torch after all that! What if he kept the torch going incase the wolf decided to make his way back to his home? Other than that I thought the story was great and again the suspense was the best part. You did a great job!
Hey, Alex, your descriptions are superb. They really set the mood of the story. The reader really gets a sense of the darkness of the cave and the frightening sound of the wolf charging the traveler. The way that you constructed the story really helped the suspense build the section where the traveler was trying to light his torch that you broke up into small, stand-alone sentences worked very well - the tension built very nicely. Your dialogue was also very well done. It moved the story along in a way that made me want to know what was going to happen next. The only things I would work on would be proof-reading, there are just a few typos that can be distracting and take away from an otherwise great story. I would also suggest including an author's note so that the reader can get a sense of what was different (or the same) as the source story. Very well done.
ReplyDeleteHi Alex! Your story was very nice! I can tell you spent a lot of time coming up with descriptive details to give your readers a clear picture. I noticed several typos throughout the story. Please make sure you’re proof reading! Spelling and grammar errors can really drag a story down. Also, I think you forgot your Author’s Note and Bibliography. I was curious about the origin story and how you changed it. Overall, I think you did a really nice job! It was suspenseful, descriptive, and well organized.
ReplyDeleteI thought this story looked familiar! I’ve been on your website page as well and must say you have one of the better page designs that I’ve seen. This story was one that had me wanting to keep reading with all the suspense it had. Really enjoyed this story and overall getting to see the different stories you have done.
ReplyDelete